thin

thin
i wish i didnt see myself as fat

Saturday 22 May 2010

write now i want to die

OMG these last two days iv just binged so bad and i feel like iv gained soooo much weight i could use to resist food no matter what but now i cant stop binging. well i did for a month and a couple of weeks now im scard im just going to keep on doing it

im never going to loose weight and im never going to be thin i just want to die i hate my life and every aspect of it.

i just want to be thin and pretty :(

Friday 21 May 2010

Why cant i fit in

Every school i go to iv been bullied because im ugly so in september i started at college i loved it at first i made friends with everyone but as the years gone on they are starting to hate me more and more. i dont even get what iv done wrong. They are constantly calling me stupid and slack and just take the piss out of me all the time i dont actully get what iv done to them iv never said a bad thing about any of them. i dont even dare say out now because i no thell take the piss out of me somehow.

Kirsty shes like the leader of the gang is having a party for her birthday she invited me at first but yesterday sent me a text saying she cancled it. Yeh right i no shes lying. so i went home went on facebook and wrote on beckies wall her bestfriend saying "im crying with laughter she actully fell for it she thinks its cancled"
she is such a dickhead.

I bet if i was 2stone lighter they would be my friends.

Wednesday 19 May 2010

Just a little rant

Today hasnt been the best day with food went to my grandmars for tea ate a bit more then i would of liked to eat but did get to see my grandmar and auntie

One think that has really started to annoy me is that my psycologist has just left about 3week ago but i hadnt seen her in a couple of moths befor that and she rung me up telling me shes left but didnt tell me what was going to happen to me but that my family pscologist is going to book an appointment with me dad well its been 3week now and.....nothings happend

Iv asked my dad a couple of times if hell ring up the family councler shes called Lorna btw i hate asking him because i want him to think im fine he keeps saying yeh but he never does its because im fat now so he probley dosnt think i need help wich is good in some ways if i was 2stone lighter he would be straight on the phone like he was when i was 89pounds

i hate the fact that people dont see your food problems as serious if your not super skinny they just think your a drama queen and want attetion. I guess its good that people dont force you to eat and stuff and ask you about it and its easier to hide

Tuesday 18 May 2010

I dont really no were to start

Im really sorry if i bore you

Well iv had problems with my body image and food ever since i can remeber. But my first really memory is when i was in my last year at primery school i was 10 and a girl in my class said you was of on a diet because she thought she was fat i looked at her and fought your not fat then i looked at my self very clearly and fought OMG im fat i was sat on a table alongside some other girls and compared my self to them I WAS THE FATTEST. That day i went home and weighed myself i hated it . I tried going on a diet but i barly lost any weight.

I dont really wont to go through every small fase of my food and weight because all be here for ever so just ask me questions if you wont to no anything all just go through the major events

In year 8 i was around about 12-13 i experianced my first binge i just moved high school and house and didnt fit in very well my sisters was causing a few problems at home and i felt really alone and things were starting to go out of controll. So  i decided to diet again as i felt i was gaining weight and i hated the number on the scale i started skipping a few meals but i couldnt resist. I came home from school no one was home i BINGED i tried to purge but got so devasted i couldnt i did this a few time over the next couple of months

My real problems started at the end of year 10 i just turned 15 im not going to go into great detail as im scared im boring everyone and i could be hear for ever so just ask me any questions you want to no but i really started to hate my body so i began to diet and i got down to 6stone5  (89 pounds) from 8stone (115 pounds) im 5ft2 by the way

My dad started noticing problems with my food and sent me to a dietiton and psycologist i no longer see either

in november i went through a mia stage and gained all my weight back iv only just come out of it and so far only lost a few pounds but i think my mia has finally gone

i cant really be botherd writing about my eating disorder at the worst lol

but im not just doing this to be thin im doing it to cover up my real problems and i wont the controll of my food

x